twenty.

i turned twenty with a bang. :)

made me realize how much i LOVE my mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, sister, half-brother(s), half-sister(s), step-brother(s), step-sister(s), grandmother(s), grandfather(s), to cut it short, my whole family.

and not to mention my lovely lovelies, the usual bunch :) who tried, but miserably failed to surprise me. :p i loved it anyway. oh my extended family, irshad and nurin, i love you both! and bomby too. :)

was dreading it, turning twenty. well now, i guess it’s not so bad. when you have family and friends behind you all the way, it really is, awesome.

thank you for all the wishes too. :)

ah, twenty, just like nineteen, looks promising.

alex.

He sat next to me in form 5, and always supplied me with mentos and mints. His palms were always sweaty, and we would cheat on tests together. We would laugh about the stupidest, most randomest of things (“aww shit i don’t have glue, quick, pull down your pants and make me some!”), and he made school, bearable (although I wasn’t there half the time).

He was the only person who understood what I was going through. He would sit with me, in my room, and we, together with the others sometimes, would listen to emo songs and just talk about things. He was the one and only person I turned to at Alwi’s farewell party, the shoulder I cried on that night, the one who told me everything would be okay.

He would sit in the front seat of my puny black kancil, and would blast songs out of my ipod or his mp3 player, debating about whether or not Fall Out Boy is mainstream. He would drive around with me, and just keep me company when I needed him.

He wouldn’t eat anything that’s not on the roomservice menu, and camped out in my tv room after SPM, together with the rest.

He comes to my house, with no prior notice, and bangs on my door, and goes, “SURPRISE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR LUNCH!”. Although I act like I hate it because I would have just woken up, he doesn’t know how much I appreciate his company.

He would do the craziest things on impulse with me. Like he had his first ciggie, his first alchoholic drink and his first piercing, with yours truly ;)

He would drive all the way to Lembah Beringin, to visit me in college, to watch me make a fool of myself on stage.

He is someone I could go on and on about, but most importantly,

He is Alexander Tan Jin Hao. He is Alex to some, Tan to some. But to me, he is my Lover, my Lesbian Lover. We have a 68% compatibility rate. Those tests do not lie.

Alex, don’t you see that you mean a lot to me? Not just to me but to everyone in the Family (of Friends)? How could I not be angry, how could I not be upset if you’re doing this to yourself. Hang on, hold on, please. After my exams are over I swear I will spend every second I can with you. We will get you better, we will eat, if you need to I will hold your hair back while you puke. I will stand by yourside, I will follow you to every hospital check up, I will follow you to every appointment, and I will spend the night if you are admitted. We will go and buy RockBand and be rawkstars and we will get your mind of things. I want you to get better, I need you to get better.

Don’t say I’ve given up hope on you. I never will. How can I do that to you? I won’t give up. Please know that I care Alex, We all DO. I love you, We ALL DO.

“Goddamn right, it SHALL be beautiful days, okay?”

PS: SuAnnShazSyahidaAlexAlwiIzzatWanXiongNadiya. I miss, I care, I love. I need you guys to stay safe, and be happy okay. Despite whatever, the time that goes by, the distance and the space, this one little thing has made me realize how much all of you mean to me, and how I do not want anything nasty to happen to anyone. Because hey, we still need to have that reunion in the future with EVERYONE present, and we can finally get a group photo together, ok?

i believe it is time.

and at the end of the day,

aren’t we all just a bunch of emo kids?

 

breath of fresh air.

Am back home for the long-anticipated six week break. Feels good being able to enjoy the hot water, good food and good company. It’s been a hell-ish semester for me. With exams, applications and ugh “proving myself” by attending classes. But it’s all good now because i’m back home biyatches!

Anyway, I’ve been going out almost everyday with my highschool buddies (the F.O.F’s), and damn does it feel good. To be able to laugh and laugh and talk and do the craziest most randomest of things (sniffing people, piercings, hair dye, fish spa) while saying the craziest most randomest of things (puki basah? wtf man), without a care in the world.

Spending time with them again made me realize some things.

1) High school never ends. Oh, never never never.

2) College drama is SO redundant. Not that I’m saying the fair share of drama we had in high school was oh so awesome, but at least the drama in high school was more umm, necessary. When I think about the bitch fights, disagreements, backstabbing, and etc in college, *shudder* it all feels so stupid and unneeded. Very different from the drama in high school, which seemed stupid at the time, but I guess it all happened for a reason and I have to admit was kinda fun :p

3) As much as I love KYUEM (umm, sometimes) and my friends there , I can’t help but feel that college life surpresses me. Pushing aside the fact that it is a boarding school in the middle of nowhere, I feel more free, more like my old self and youthful (haha makes me sound so old) hanging out with the FOFs. The level of subtle superficiality in college is so high it scares me. Especially with those holier-than-thou people around. Ugh, I long for those non judgemental days back in high school.

4) I MISSED THE FAMILY OF FRIENDS SO MUCH AND NEVER REALIZED IT. UGH. LET’S TURN BACK TIME AND GO BACK TO HIGHSCHOOL. I MISSED THEM I MISSED THEM I MISSED THEM.

So yes. There you go. I’m just trying to say I had a good week bonding with them, like the old days. We were missing two people though (you guys know who you are). And this will actually be the last time we’ll be in the same country together. Don’t know when the next time will be. Especially since our timing always sucks when it comes to being in KL at the same time. Sheesh. Whatever it is, I’m just really glad things are exactly like how they used to be, and I’m hoping it’ll stay that way.

Oh ya, more things to come, sleepovers movie marathons room service like the good old days, and putrajaya! w00t!

On a different note altogether, I got my first conditional offer letter today. Alhamdulillah. Now I can breathe a bit. Fuhhhhhhh.

And I find this rather amusing. Ha ha. Mr. Jamal, you are so funny lah. Ha ha ha.

study study study.

oh, cinta hatiku.

Sick and miserable, armed with a box of tissues and vitamin C. Lying in bed thinking shit-bloody-hell-holes-i-really-don’t-need-this-right-now-trials-trials-trials-aaaaah-trials!!!. Feeling whiny and complainy and just wanting to get better already, when the sweetest someone called,

“….i’m still sick and i’m dizzy and yes i am in my room.”

“Well why don’t youuuu, look outside your window.”

And standing there, outside my gate, in a striking red tie, holding a plastic bag full of comfort food (mmm junkfood), was all I needed to get better. Eee clichè-nya.  :p

But still.

Oh, love. (: what a sweet surprise. Thank you thank you thank you. You know, you’re making it really difficult for me not to miss you when you have to leave. But at the same time you make me want to work my ass off so we can be on the same continent next year.

“There’s so much craziness surrounding me
There’s so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me;
You make it real for me.”
-James Morrison’s new single – You make it real.

there is space in my closet.

If you think this is about you, it most probably is.

Please know that I’m always here for you. No matter what the matter is about, no matter how serious or miniscule it is, that I always always am here for you. I don’t know if you have this misconception of me judging you or anything about you. But I promise I won’t. I won’t judge, I won’t tease, I won’t even talk to you about it if you don’t want me to anymore.

If there are things pent up in you and you need to talk to someone, again, keep in mind that I’m all ears. It really truly worries me when I know someone I care about is hurting or confused or feels all alone, because you don’t have to feel all alone, because I will always be here for you, I promise.

We used to tell each other everything, remember? We used to talk about everything there is to talk about. And bitch about anything that moves and breathes. Nothing has changed. I don’t know if you feel that you can’t trust me with your problems anymore, but yeah, I just want you to know you can.

I know. But what overpowers the feeling of surprise is feeling disappointed that you can’t trust me enough to tell me.

curly fries.

You don’t know how much you mean to me. So I’m publicly declaring it. You mean the world, planets, sun and stars to me. Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for caring so much. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for everything. I know I’ve said it to you before, but again, thank you.

I can’t imagine what it would be like if I never got to know you. I don’t even want to imagine what it would be like.

I’m counting days! 2 weeks and 5 days left. Oh how terribly I miss you so.

irshad.

This is Irshad. Without Irshad I would die. Roll on the side of the street and die. Irshad has helped me get through a lot, and I’d like to think I’ve helped him too. Irshad likes to eat. We eat together. Irshad likes to Shisha. We Shisha together. Irshad likes the Padini Concept Store. He missed the sale today. It’s okay Irshad, we’ll check it out the next time there’s a sale. Irshad also likes to look at himself in the mirror. Although I have to admit we don’t do this together, and sometimes it annoys and embarrasses me when he does it in public, it can be quite amusing. Irshad takes long showers and always smells good. Irshad likes kerepek pisang. Irshad listens to the cheesiest most corniest mainstream music around. Irshad is my Secret-Keeper. We have long talks till the sun rises when the need arises. Irshad likes perfumes. Irshad and I laugh about everything and anything there is to laugh about. Irshad does crazy things with me. Irshad tells me his deepest darkest secrets. I tell Irshad mine. And that is why, Irshad is Irshad.

Irshad is my Bestfriend.