password.

I’ve never been keen on password protected posts. I mean, if you want to blog, just blog la, why make it a private post if your blog is a public blog? But yeah, now I get that there are some things we don’t want to share with EVERYONE.

So, if you want to kepoh kepoh, or if you can stand icky mushy affection, or if you qualify as one of my lovelies which I’m sure you do all of you aww :) Let me know and I’ll give you the password to the post down there.

But I warn you. It’s an icky mushy post :)

Moving on, everything is fine, I am back from my trip and I shall blog about that soon. Back in college now and that’s never good for me ha ha. But it’s my final semester!! 6 months to go babyyyy, and I am out. Can’t believe it’s been a year and a half already. Feels like it was just last week I called Kelly and got hyper with her saying, “KELLY!!! OMG IT’S YOUR FINAL SEMESTER” and her saying, “OHMYGAWD I KNOW YAY OMG TIME SERIOUSLY FLIES!!”, and now it’s my turn to say that.

And now I am rambling. Oops.

Looking forward (kinda) to this semester though. Especially the end of it. Ha ha. :)

Oh, and results are coming out in 2 weeks!! AAAH!!
Oh, and I miss you.
Oh, ok I go now I go now goodbye.

breath of fresh air.

Am back home for the long-anticipated six week break. Feels good being able to enjoy the hot water, good food and good company. It’s been a hell-ish semester for me. With exams, applications and ugh “proving myself” by attending classes. But it’s all good now because i’m back home biyatches!

Anyway, I’ve been going out almost everyday with my highschool buddies (the F.O.F’s), and damn does it feel good. To be able to laugh and laugh and talk and do the craziest most randomest of things (sniffing people, piercings, hair dye, fish spa) while saying the craziest most randomest of things (puki basah? wtf man), without a care in the world.

Spending time with them again made me realize some things.

1) High school never ends. Oh, never never never.

2) College drama is SO redundant. Not that I’m saying the fair share of drama we had in high school was oh so awesome, but at least the drama in high school was more umm, necessary. When I think about the bitch fights, disagreements, backstabbing, and etc in college, *shudder* it all feels so stupid and unneeded. Very different from the drama in high school, which seemed stupid at the time, but I guess it all happened for a reason and I have to admit was kinda fun :p

3) As much as I love KYUEM (umm, sometimes) and my friends there , I can’t help but feel that college life surpresses me. Pushing aside the fact that it is a boarding school in the middle of nowhere, I feel more free, more like my old self and youthful (haha makes me sound so old) hanging out with the FOFs. The level of subtle superficiality in college is so high it scares me. Especially with those holier-than-thou people around. Ugh, I long for those non judgemental days back in high school.

4) I MISSED THE FAMILY OF FRIENDS SO MUCH AND NEVER REALIZED IT. UGH. LET’S TURN BACK TIME AND GO BACK TO HIGHSCHOOL. I MISSED THEM I MISSED THEM I MISSED THEM.

So yes. There you go. I’m just trying to say I had a good week bonding with them, like the old days. We were missing two people though (you guys know who you are). And this will actually be the last time we’ll be in the same country together. Don’t know when the next time will be. Especially since our timing always sucks when it comes to being in KL at the same time. Sheesh. Whatever it is, I’m just really glad things are exactly like how they used to be, and I’m hoping it’ll stay that way.

Oh ya, more things to come, sleepovers movie marathons room service like the good old days, and putrajaya! w00t!

On a different note altogether, I got my first conditional offer letter today. Alhamdulillah. Now I can breathe a bit. Fuhhhhhhh.

And I find this rather amusing. Ha ha. Mr. Jamal, you are so funny lah. Ha ha ha.

study study study.

catch up.

Time for a little catch up session. So this has been happening for the past month or so.

• - Got in trouble with reference writer. Apparently teachers (okay one teacher) have been complaining about   my own little routine in college. Skipping class, not speaking up in class, not going for class tests, etc. And that got me into HUGE trouble. Who knew that after all these years of skipping class, it would come and bite me back in the ass, now. NOW OF ALL TIMES.
• - Reference writer very kind. Gave me second chance to prove myself to teachers (that one particular teacher), by attending lessons, by doing homework, by showing a remote interest in lessons.
• - Did exactly that and have not been skipping class for two weeks, and submitting overdue homework and essays to “prove myself”. Feel Unhappy. Very Unhappy.
• - Got into a very the big fight with that particular teacher because after being told to “prove myself” this particular teacher wouldn’t give me the chance. He then told me to give up hope on getting into university.
• - That teacher also told me to not apply to top rank universities because, i quote, “You’re not going to get in anyway, so there’s no point applying. And I’m not going to re-predict your grade because it’s not like you’re going to achieve it anyway”.
• - Fuck you. Fuck you for saying that. I never attended your lessons because FYI, you suck. You can’t teach balls. I go for tuition classes outside college because you suck balls. The only reason people are doing well is because jeez, it’s kyuem, people here are smart in general. But you have the cheek to say that when you can’t even pronounce MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE correctly. Balls. Go suck on donkey balls.
• - And that has resulted in me giving up hope on getting into my university of choice.

Okay now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. On a whole different note;

• - Finally done with Maths, boo P1 you whore and yay Stats I hope you save my ass.
• - Finally done with Computing. Oh god, no more Block 3. Joy Joy Joy.
• - My new lens; which my mother has taken the liberty to hide away till after exams; is here. I can’t wait to test it out.
• - I miss my friends from highschool real bad. Note, Alex, Su Ann, Shaz, Syahida, Nadiya, Izzati Rahmaniah izzat, Wan Xiong maurice. WEH. RINDU LAH.
• -  I’ve gone on a tv-show-download halt.
• - Abang Faiz is getting engaged to his highschool sweetheart. They’ve been dating since form 4. Oh, the sweetness. 
• - Done with my personal statement and have submitted my UCAS form. After revising, talking it through with certain people, and finally accepting reality, I’ve revised my choices for university. They seem somewhat shabby. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.
• - James Morrison’s new album is finally out, and I’m going to go buy it right after exams.
• - 20 days to go till the end of the semester.
• - 37 days to go till I see you again.

The End. Ok bye bye.

Oh wait since this post is already very long, I might as well post a picture as well.

Den Haag, Netherlands. Winter ’07.

sudden realization.

Okay it’s time to get serious. I’ve heard it a bagajillion times from a bagajillion different people already. And finally thank heavens FINALLY, it’s sinking in.

It. Is. An. Extremely. Important. Semester.

Therefore,
It’s buck up or fuck up time biyaaaatch!!

anxiety.

The Literature Paper was horrible. I can blame nobody but myself for the last minute preparation. Damnit I’m pissed at myself for not taking it seriously. Like, this is it. And I know there’s always that option of re-sitting in November but this is it.

Got a horrible anxiety attack before the paper. Oh and not to mention the feeling after. I felt my lungs close in, couldnt breathe, felt so drained and I then, threw up. I realize that lately I’ve been getting horrible panic attacks before and after my paper and it used to never be like that.

Back then I panicked, yeah, but not to the extent of throwing up. But I think I know why it’s happening now. During SPM year, I didn’t have any expectations. Whatever happens, happens. I was carefree. Kiasu, but still carefree. To me, I had nothing to lose because whatever grades I get, it’s straight to Taylor’s Business School and then off to Oztrayliah. That was my set path.

But now. Now my entire future is in my own hands. It’s in my control. Everything is up to me. Whatever results I get would determine where I go. And yeah like I said, it’s all up to me. Mama can’t do anything to help. It’s me chasing after my dreams and it’s not easy. I want to give up I want to let go, just for the sake of not getting disappointed. If only it were that simple.

So yeah, I know I’ve been saying this. But it’s full throttle from now on. No more procrastinating. COME ON BIYAAAAATCHHH I CAN DO THIS FOR MY OWN SAKE THINK OF LSE THINK OF WARWICK THINK OF EDINBURGH THINK OF THE FACES OF THE ONES YOU LOVE WHEN YOU GET A SCHOLARSHIP THINK OF THE JOY THE LOOK OF HOW PROUD YOUR PARENTS WILL BE WHEN YOU GET THAT OFFER LETTER ACCEPTING YOU INTO LSE OR WARWICK COME ON BIYAAAAAAAATCH LETS DO THIS.

Ok, my point. I really want to get into Warwick or LSE. I want to make my parents proud to have me as a daughter. I want my grandma to be able to brag to her friends that she’s flying to the UK to visit her cucu who’s studying there. I want to make my siblings happy and proud when i’m there (so they can have an excuse to fly to the UK). I want to be with my super genius friends whom I know will get in without even having to try. Pressure Pressure Pressure.

I know I sound like some major loser kiasu geek for getting worked up over bloody exams and university entries. Haha. So I shall stop. Don’t judge me. Ish.

On a somewhat happier note, the photography club had an annual competition and the results will be annouced this Tuesday! I’m quite excited. The categories were, Festival. Movement. Achitecture. Nature. Portrait. Black & White. Oh and the B&W photo had to be developed by ourselves in the darkroom. I find peace of mind when I’m there. I swear to god it’s so cool.

So I shall share my pho-to-tos. Maybe. I don’t know I’m still deciding. Ok maybe I will. One at a time though. Oh no but I’m scared to share. But ok yeah I’ll share anyways.

Submitted this for the nature category.

PS: I find the strangest form of comfort when I’m with you. Thank you for your help with the Literature Paper. And thank you. For helping me get through. And thank you. For your patience. And thank you. For just simply being there for me.

confiscated.

So my mini-fridge got confiscated yesterday. The warden busted in my chalet Monday morning while I was sleeping and started yelling at me for not going to class. I’m sick. Then she started yelling at me telling me to go to the Matron’s office. I said okay. Then she smiled, said Ok, take care make sure you eat your medicine, and she left my room.

2 seconds later she busted in my room once again and smiled her evil fake smile, “Oh Syira, you do know that bringing a fridge is against the rules?”

Schizophrenic bipolar cunt.

Okay first up, HOW THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW MY NAME IS SYIRA. Secondly, HOW THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW I EVEN HAVE A FRIDGE. HOW DOES SHE KNOW EXACTLY WHICH ROOM TO COME IN TO WHEN THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF OTHER ROOMS WITH FRIDGES?

I have a hunch that someone ratted on me.

She told me to send my fridge to her office. LIKE HELL I WOULD. So the next day when I got back from class, my fridge was gone. Along with some other banned stuff I keep in my closet. She freaking ransacked my room. Not just that, she moved my freaking laptop. She touched it. She touched MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS. She shut down my laptop, I HAD UNSAVED WORK ON IT OKAY. Fucking no good cunt.

I know that bringing a fridge and a multi-cooker is against the rules, and she does have a right of taking it away from me, but to ransack my room like that? To TOUCH MY LAPTOP AND MOVE IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. And the way she treated Athirah when she helped me get my food from the fridge. URGH! She was talking to us like we’re juvenile delinquents.

I have no problems abiding rules but only rules that are significant. If the rule says I can’t pick my nose do you REALLY think I’m going to stop picking my nose?? Come on, we’re 18 going on 19. Some of us are turning 20 soon, don’t you think we have a right to choose what we do? To make decisions on our own? Don’t treat us like a bunch of fucking retards, don’t treat us like we’re kids!!

Okay I’m done ranting and I’m just fucking annoyed at the world right now.

that cunt in my previous post.

Ok so I can’t be mad at someone because I tend to forget what I’m mad about. But it doesn’t change the fact that I kinda umm, don’t like her? I mean it’s fine when she’s there, in front of me, talking to me, but when I’m not around her the feelings sorta build up again? But then five minutes later I forget. Forgive and Forget, I don’t forgive, but I forget. Make sense?

I don’t want to be childish about the situation, really I don’t. I mean might as well handle the situation in stride instead of looking like some major loser so I’m just going to stop ranting now.

Got back Literature results. My oh My. Oh lordy dordy. Let’s just say it’s time to buck up.

Thank you tangga friends for trying to make me feel better yesterday. You guys rawk la, seriously. And even though some of the jokes weren’t funny (it would have been if I was in a better mood, sumpah) you guys did make me feel slightly better and I wouldn’t change last night for the world so thank you Opah, Mr. Newly Single, Smelly Patriot, Encik Kontroversi, and the Flirt.

And have I ever mentioned I love my chalet mate from room A? She’s seriously the most caring and thoughtful person I know. So sweet okay. Sungguh.

On another note, Hello Mr. Ravi! Sorry I’m not concentrating in your class right now I just really can’t wait to go back home. 2 hours to go!

Things to do during the weekend :
1) Ignore the cunt and just be the bigger person even though I know she’s doing this on purpose and I oh so want to strangle her till she turns blue and purple.
2) Hopefully have a nice long conversation with le alwiziyad.
3) Survive the rest of today.
4) Photography club field trip, yo!

Okay class is over I want to go eat Nasi Lemak now. Random yes, I know. goodbyegoodbye.

that kind of day.

It’s been one of ‘those days’. You know those days when even the funniest thing doesn’t tickle you at all? Yeah, it’s that kind of day. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, could be the Literature Paper I sat for just now. Lit always does this to me. Why the hell am I taking it again?

So anyway, call me kiasu, to be down over a bloody exam paper. But some of us don’t have the privelege of just ‘being smart’, and some of us don’t have sponsors and are depending on our parents. Some of us have to actually work hard for it. And when we do, and the results are just stagnant, that’s when you have one of ‘those days’. And no, I’m not inferior thank you very much, I just feel as though all the happiness in me has been sucked out and I’m not capable of being happy anymore.

I need to get some sleep. 8 hours in the past 3 days is not good. I don’t know, it’s such a big deal because it’s our trials, and the real thing is in a month. If I don’t do well now, I don’t know, I just really don’t want to let mama down. I know she’s paying a lot for this and I feel so fucking bad for not maximizing my effort. I just want to do this for her and make her proud again :(

So anyway, besides today being one of ‘those days’, I would like to officially announce my hatred towards, you. Well well well, look who turned out to be a fucking cunt. Fuck you, bitch. And I really mean it. Fuck you, you cock sucking mother fucking two-faced cunt whore slut bag bitch. Seriously, if you want attention so much, go suck a cock in public. Damnit, I’m pissed. You think you’re so great parading your assets in your miniscule ass showing fat showing clothes. You think you’re so good, so great that you can do no wrong, criticizing others like you’re the best thing on earth. Well you’re not ok. You’re just like her. A fucking hypocritical psycho oh look at me I like wearing tight clothes so everyone can see my triple layered stomach when really I just like getting the attention because all guys find me hot when actually i’m fat, BITCH.

Pardon my language. :)

Oh fuck, I have to go, the IT lab lady just walked in. Anyway, tomorrow’s lil bro’s birthday party, looking forward to releasing some stress.

And you, I miss you. I need you like, right now. To vent, and to just make the world dissapear and what’s left is you and me. Funny, a million people are around me and you’re the only person I really need right now.. yet you’re the one that’s so far away. :(

trapped.

Semester break ends today. New year, new resolutions, new promises and a new semester. A hectic one, since we’ll be sitting for our exams this semester.

I had a nice, long break. Escaped from the real world and into one where nobody else exists except me and him. Details on that to follow. 21 days in Holland and London. Urgh. I had so much fun. I don’t want to go back to college. Hahaha.

Okay, I’m not going to whine about not wanting to go back to college because I don’t really have a choice. Dead meat I am though, since I didn’t touch a single thing during the holidays, for real. Dead meat, with a capital DDDDD because I didn’t do my lit essay(s). But I have valid reasons though. And some chocolates to hopefully bribe Mr. Cranwell with.

I shall miss you, room, speedy internet connection, boyfriend and the late night squabbles we have, toilet oh toilet with hot water and water pressure, television. And I’ll see you next weekend.

I promise, to start blogging regularly. And to blog about my eurotrip. :)

i miss you and our spastic lovey dovey moments on the couch.

increase in productivity.

Tomorrow marks the second week of us fasting. Oh wow this has been the most tiring fasting month ever. I remember fasting last year wasn’t so bad even though we had to go to school for trials. I guess because we were let out early and all. But over here, it’s like everyday is the same routine and time passes by very slowly. And and and i don’t know, everything seems to be moving in slow motion at the moment.

But apart from that, everything has been okay. Being here has seriously inreased my productivity to the maximum level. I mean hello? I used to NOT WAKE UP FOR SCHOOL! And over here it’s like, I’m up by 5, sahur, subuh, then sleep till 8, shower, class, class, lunch, sleep, class, some club or society, sleep, and it’s either homework or go out for one of the many events they hold here. Right now it’s debate season, so every Wednesday there’s a debate going on between houses. It’s not my thing so I stay in and indulge in the fast internet connection while everybody is there. Moo ha ha.

And yeah, I feel myself slowly getting used to this place. And there is a slight chance that my brain is working again! I mean, it was on break for 8 months that i think it literally stopped working. The first month of college was torture with the everything I don’t understand. But it’s slowly getting better, I pay attention more in class now and I don’t get that sleepy (except during math and agama).

I guess that’s all. Just needed to blog I think. Econs test tomorrow so my Economics notes are calling. And nature too. Haha.