alhamdulillah.

I shall be eternally grateful.

Now I really hope I meet the requirements for both the scholarship and university. 2 A’s 1B. Seems so hard to achieve based on the papers but at this point, I believe God works in the most mysterious but best ways. InsyaAllah, everything will turn out fine.

We shall know for sure in 52 days then.

On another note, I’ve been surprisingly productive, post-exams. Started working at ThatPlaceThatClaimsToHaveTheBestCoffee for the extra income, and been spending time with loved ones, who are now all back in the country. (PS: Kelly, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!).

It feels good to be productive oh yes it does. :D

post exam.

After 50 million zits, a thousand and one litres of coffee, truckloads of cans of redbull, 2 new wrinkles (oh no!), a lot of whining, moaning, bitching and complaining, I am officially, FREE!!!!

No more trigonometry or stupid vectors or complex numbers EVER. and no more Shakespeare and Atwood and Churchill and Jane Austen EVER EVER EVER AGAIN. :D And Econs, meh unfortunately Econs shall always be in my life.

Still deciding whether or not I’ll miss college. Right now, all I can think of is, i’mfreei’mfreei’mfreei’mfree! Maybe I will. Hmm, we’ll see.

Things to look forward to now :-

1) External Dinner. I refuse to call it frigging PROM. It’s not frigging PROM it’s frigging EXTERNAL DINNER. And jeez, just because it’s called PROM now, doesn’t mean you NEED to GO with SOMEONE. *roll eyes*

2) KYUEM graduation and awards day. :D

3) Last night in college — climb up water tower.

4) Irfan coming back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay i’m babbling I should sleep.

things to do. [edited]

Now.

1) Study Math
2) Study Lit
3) Study Econs

4 papers to gooo!! :D

I’M FREEEHEEHEEHEEE BITCHES!!!!!!!! :)))))))

After A-Levels (IN EXACTLY 44 DAYS PEOPLE!!)

• – Catch up on lost forgotten episodes of Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Desperate Housewives, Prison Break, Ugly Betty, 90210, Grey’s Anatomy, Pushing Daisies, Windfall, United States of Tara, Lost and all other TV Shows. If I were to list down all, it would take me all day, seriously.
• - Watch all the movies I have missed out on.
• - Movie and Box Sets marathons baby!
• - Lie in bed all day long in front of my laptop surfing the net.
• - Fix my ex-husband the XBOX360 and play games till my eyes bleed.
• – Start playing World of Warcraft (maybe, still in consideration).
• - Spend a whole week at Aboh’s place and layan father and adik-adik kecik and stepmother without guilt.
• - Lepak at coffee hut and SHISHA SHISHA SHISHA with Irshad and Nurin and EVERYBODY ELSE.
• - Work at Starbucks again / Intern with whichever company that’s kind enough to sponsor me.
• - Speaking of sponsors, if still unsuccessful, look for people who are kind enough to pay for my education overseas.
• - Chill with Nenek and Atok at Kampung Batu 30 and learn to cook from Nenek.
• - Bring Tok Mi out, and teman her shopping till we dropping.
• - Go out with Mama and Papa and Kak Yaya And Mija as frequently as possible because lordy dordy will I miss them much.
• - Khatam the Al-Qur’an.
• - Shisha, Shisha, Shisha shisha shisha shisha.
• - Hang-out with Alexander Tan Jin Hao and make sure he doesn’t do stupid things.
• - Hang-out with other FOFs because EVERYBODY WILL BE BACK BY THEN YO. (except su ann.) :(
• - Trip to Jakarta and Bandung.
• - Karaoke with Irshad and Bomby yo.
• - Play stupid games online till my eyes get watery and hands get numb.
• - Most importantly, jalan-jalan cari makan, lepak-lepak, play the ps3, and just chill with ‘Irfan.

Dude, I so can’t wait.

alex.

He sat next to me in form 5, and always supplied me with mentos and mints. His palms were always sweaty, and we would cheat on tests together. We would laugh about the stupidest, most randomest of things (”aww shit i don’t have glue, quick, pull down your pants and make me some!”), and he made school, bearable (although I wasn’t there half the time).

He was the only person who understood what I was going through. He would sit with me, in my room, and we, together with the others sometimes, would listen to emo songs and just talk about things. He was the one and only person I turned to at Alwi’s farewell party, the shoulder I cried on that night, the one who told me everything would be okay.

He would sit in the front seat of my puny black kancil, and would blast songs out of my ipod or his mp3 player, debating about whether or not Fall Out Boy is mainstream. He would drive around with me, and just keep me company when I needed him.

He wouldn’t eat anything that’s not on the roomservice menu, and camped out in my tv room after SPM, together with the rest.

He comes to my house, with no prior notice, and bangs on my door, and goes, “SURPRISE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR LUNCH!”. Although I act like I hate it because I would have just woken up, he doesn’t know how much I appreciate his company.

He would do the craziest things on impulse with me. Like he had his first ciggie, his first alchoholic drink and his first piercing, with yours truly ;)

He would drive all the way to Lembah Beringin, to visit me in college, to watch me make a fool of myself on stage.

He is someone I could go on and on about, but most importantly,

He is Alexander Tan Jin Hao. He is Alex to some, Tan to some. But to me, he is my Lover, my Lesbian Lover. We have a 68% compatibility rate. Those tests do not lie.

Alex, don’t you see that you mean a lot to me? Not just to me but to everyone in the Family (of Friends)? How could I not be angry, how could I not be upset if you’re doing this to yourself. Hang on, hold on, please. After my exams are over I swear I will spend every second I can with you. We will get you better, we will eat, if you need to I will hold your hair back while you puke. I will stand by yourside, I will follow you to every hospital check up, I will follow you to every appointment, and I will spend the night if you are admitted. We will go and buy RockBand and be rawkstars and we will get your mind of things. I want you to get better, I need you to get better.

Don’t say I’ve given up hope on you. I never will. How can I do that to you? I won’t give up. Please know that I care Alex, We all DO. I love you, We ALL DO.

“Goddamn right, it SHALL be beautiful days, okay?”

PS: SuAnnShazSyahidaAlexAlwiIzzatWanXiongNadiya. I miss, I care, I love. I need you guys to stay safe, and be happy okay. Despite whatever, the time that goes by, the distance and the space, this one little thing has made me realize how much all of you mean to me, and how I do not want anything nasty to happen to anyone. Because hey, we still need to have that reunion in the future with EVERYONE present, and we can finally get a group photo together, ok?

cannonball.

excuse me, do you remember?
because i still do.
every, little, detail.

half way.

On the 28th of March 2009, I noticed something on the sidebar of my desktop, and it got me quite excited. After days and days and days, it finally FINALLY seems to be moving.

More than half way, now. And I am, happy. :)

Besides that, this means that in less than 2 months, I’ll be done here at KYUEM! Done with A-Levels finally! I am still deciding whether or not I will miss it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t wait to get out, sometimes I dread it thinking I’m going to miss everything in college.

Speaking of dread, my first paper is in a month! AAAAH! The horror! 11 papers to sit for (damn the re-sits!), and thank god it is nicely spread out.

Till then, I shall be restricting myself from any form of entertainment like facebook (the devil!), and tv shows (the devil!) and yeah you get my point.

This post is rather shite isn’t it! hahaahahah! woooh! i am hyper right now!

regrets.

quick one. just a little something to get off my chest.

you know sometimes, you do something out of impulse, and after doing it you go, OMG WHAT DID I JUST DOOO!?

and sometimes, you know you have the power to change something, but you don’t do anything until it’s too late already?

so you regret. you regret regret regret.

my mother says there is no point regretting. she says get over it. because there really is no point crying over spilt milk.

but just for today, and tomorrow, and maybe next week, let me regret this.  let me feel sorry for myself and let me whine and moan and grumble over it.

the thing is, after thinking about that one big mistake i start thinking about the other big mistakes i”ve made. and that, makes me emo.

ugh fucking hell.

i know it has been a while now, and everybody has moved on but you. are. my. greatest. regret.

PS: i miss ‘irfan. :( cepat la balik sayang, please?

procrastination.

I am staring at a blank piece of paper. This blank piece of paper is supposed to be my Literature Essay. After staring at this blank piece of paper for a good 15 minutes, I have come to a sudden realisation, that no syira, the thousand word essay will not magically appear before my eyes. And no, if I snap my fingers my pen won’t suddenly start writing the essay without my brain thinking of what to write. And by blogging, I am only wasting time when I really should be writing this essay. Plus another 2 incomplete essays. Which is due before Monday.

coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee. hey notice when you drink coffee, your piss will smell like coffee too!

ps: oh dear, if you could only start living in the present, not the future not the past but the frigging present, everybodys lives would be so much better. and you would find, that you would be much happier. so stop dwelling on the past. what’s done is done. get over it. and piss off.

purple popsicle.

Out of the 98439201857 million trillion things I’ll miss about Malaysia when I’m off to either UK/Australia later this year, I’ll miss this little munchkin the most.

My baby adik, Maryam.

She managed to bribe me with her big eyes and adorable laugh last weekend when she tugged my shirt and went, “Kak Syeeee-yaaaa, nak hash-himmm!” (Kak Syira nak ice-cream). Everytime we go buy ice-cream, she’d choose the same ice-cream, the purple popsicle. Ice-Cream makes Maryam very happy and hyper.

Funny how when both my mom and stepmom gave birth to my little brothers when I was 9, all I wanted and all I could think of was.. “send them back to the hospital please”. I hated the idea of being a big sister. But now, I can’t imagine life without all 4 of my baby siblings.  They are all very different from one another, one the genius computer geek, one the macho boy, one the wonderchild who can do everything and one the adorable munchkin. And as different as they are, all I love with all my heart. All I’ll miss when i’m abroad. Oh no! FedEX them over once a month please!

be my valentine.

Behind the whole ihatetheworldthatiswhyidon’tcombmyhairandlistentodepressingsongs “image”, I am actually a true sucker for Valentine’s Day. The chocolates and the big hugs and the flowers and the love-is-in-the-air aura and the shops decorated with pink hearts and red hearts and the whole shabbang. It makes me nauseatingly giddy and giggly and ugh, I just really like it. Sigh. Don’t you? :D

Yes yes, I know it is just a marketing strategy, damn these companies overprice everything today and gawd so many couples will be out tonight. But despite all that, and also the presents and cards, I think it’s nice. To have one day where you can really truly show the person you love how much you care. And yes, I know I know. If two people are in love, why would they need one day to show the other how much they care, and yes yes you should show affection everyday and everyday should be Valentine’s Day. But ya know what I think. Sometimes you forget to show you care, sometimes you’re too busy to take your lovelove out for a romantic date, sometimes you’re both too busy to sit down and have a decent night out, sometimes people just don’t bother anymore.

To me, Vday is not a day where you HAVETOHAVETO buy chocolates and flowers and write a sonnet to declare your undying love towards your lover. To me, Valentine’s Day is just simply a day where you take the extra time to appreciate your loved ones, show them you care, to tell them you love them, to give them a hug. You don’t have to wear fancy clothes and go out to fancy restaurants. To me it’s all about appreciation.

And here I am appreciating you.

because even though you don’t give a hoot about Valentine’s Day,
you try to give a hoot about it for me.

Aww shucks do you know how much I love you?
Happy Valentine’s Day Irfan.
Let’s hope this one shall be the one and only one apart, mmkay?
I love you. No really, I do.
To the moon to the sun to the stars.
♥